Suddenly Miss You

Daddy,

I suddenly miss you. I suddenly miss your warm embrace whenever I felt upset. I suddenly miss our long talks at dinnertime, discussing politics, daily news, and other interesting ideas.

I suddenly miss your voice – how much you’d congratulate me whenever I had achievements. You always shared the best engineering stories. I suddenly miss your laugh whenever I’d tell the corniest jokes. I just miss you.

Over the years, it became a habit to call you after school and tell you how my day went but now I don’t have you to listen to my rant anymore. It’s lonely without you.

You always believed in me. You always do. Whenever I failed, you’d hug me and tell me that it will be okay, and that every failure is a sign for me to do things better. Whenever I aced my test, or even had high scores, you were the first one I always told.

You’d always tell me to be strong and yes, I was strong especially in that hospital room. It would be so selfish of me to just keep on crying when I knew it was your last few days with me, with us. So, I kept my strength in tact. Every minute that passed by, you became weaker. I couldn’t stand being weak when you already were. So, I kept talking to you. Even though you couldn’t talk, I knew you were listening. I recalled our happy moments together – our swimming lessons when I was as young as 4 years old, our travels around the world, and our father-daughter moments.

Doctors came in and out, each wearing that emotionless smile on their faces. I already knew what was coming. I fell apart each time you’d wince at the smallest injections. It hurt to see your tears. I knew what you wanted. You wanted everything to stop. You wanted to go home and watch the sun rise and set and fall in love with the world again. You wanted to spend your days at home – the home you built and fell in love with over the years; but you couldn’t. I was with you in every step of the way. I always sat by your side and held your hand while you slept.

Each night in the hospital room, I’d whisper you my promises and told you that everything would be okay. You smiled and squeezed my hand tighter. For each promise I whispered, tears would fall from your eyes. Those blue eyes that always looked at me like I was going to be a really successful Civil Engineer soon. That was when I knew I was experiencing something much more than crying – I felt heartbreak. I longed for everything to turn out well. I longer for the doctors to just say that it wasn’t actually a tumor and that it wasn’t cancer; but it was already there and you were already weak. I just had to accept that I would lose you. Too soon.

On the 29^th of May 2015, you breathed your last. 4 days after my birthday, 2 months after my High School graduation, and 10 days until my first day in college. I still remember the way you looked at me as you were hanging on for dear life– I knew what that look meant. You wanted to tell me that you would always be with me – in good times and in bad. You wanted to tell me how much you loved me and I know you still do. You wanted to tell me how proud you were. You wanted to tell me that I would always be your little girl. You wanted me to dream higher; and most of all, you wanted to bid me goodbye. The hand I used to hang on to whenever I was lost or whenever I felt lost became cold – steady and lifeless. Gone.

College started off good. I was in the right track with the right friends and high grades. Everything went well. I went home enervated after my class one day and instantly fell into a deep slumber and I dreamt of you.

In that dream, we were running across a field – full of grass and the most colorful flowers. We were laughing and felt as if there was not a single problem surrounding us. Everything was beautiful. I remember that one question I asked, “Daddy, are you happy?” You looked at me and I saw the most exquisite smile I never thought you’d wear. You poked my nose the same way you always did when you were proud of me and I never felt happier in my entire life than that day. I miss you, daddy!